"GROW UP!" -- A Tiny Play About Vast, Empty Lawns

It's a real treat to see other acting troupes performing our scripts! Lawns are energy-intensive, little-used seas of exotic grass kept in a perpetually infantile state. They seem to make little sense, but they are everywhere. Here's a short play in which a real estate agent is showing his client a community called Quiet Acres, with "stately homes (the two seated actors) and vast, empty, green lawns (the two actors lying down in front)." The client's impressed until the lawns themselves start to bicker about who's greener than whom.

Thanks to director Steve Gaissert and actors Jan Applebaum, John Eldis, Frank Falisi, Rachel Friedman, Susan Gaissert, and Sarah Stryker, for a wonderful performance!

GROW UP!

By Stephen K. Hiltner, May, 2017

Two actors each represent a suburban lawn, lying on their backs on the stage, about five feet apart, feet towards audience. Immediately behind each is a house, represented by a chair. (OPTIONAL: A homeowner sits on each chair, stiff posture, looking blankly straight ahead.) The lawns tilt their heads up to argue with each other, but otherwise remain prostrate until the last line, when they both sit up and face the audience to utter their last line.

REAL ESTATE AGENT and CLIENT stroll in from side.

AGENT: (to CLIENT, gesturing clearly towards the homes and lawns) Here at Quiet Acres, you’ll find the neighbors are very proud of their stately homes and vast, empty, green lawns.

CLIENT: (impressed) I’d love to live here. It’s so refined, so peaceful, so controlled.

LAWN 1: (in the direction of CLIENT, who is looking elsewhere) I’m greener than her. (gestures towards other lawn)

CLIENT: (turning towards the talking lawn in surprise) What was that?

LAWN 1: I’m greener than her.

LAWN 2: No you’re not.

LAWN 1: Yes I am.

LAWN 2: No you’re not.

LAWN 1: Am so.

LAWN 2: Am not.

CLIENT: Hey, break it up. You both look great.

LAWN 2: (beat) She’s got weeds.

LAWN 1: No I don’t.

LAWN 2: Oh yeah? Well what’s that dandelion doing down there?

LAWN 1: You’re one to talk.

LAWN 2: How dare you?

LAWN 1: Look over there. (pointing to a weed on LAWN 2)

LAWN 2: Eck. Spray me!

LAWNS 1: Spray me first!

LAWN 2: Spray ME!

LAWNS 1: No, ME!

CLIENT: Stop it! (beat) Why don’t you … grow up?

(immediately LAWNS 1 and 2 react by sitting up, facing audience, feet still stretched out in front. AGENT (and HOMEOWNERS, if any) shows a sudden burst of vehemence.)

AGENT, (HOMEOWNERS), LAWNS 1 and 2: Never!!! (LAWNS 1 and 2 immediately return to lying flat on floor. Agent regains pleasant demeanor.)

END OF SCENE